


gravity don’t hold my heart like you do

by serenesapphic



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Dansen - Freeform, F/F, Non-Binary Alex, alex danvers - Freeform, canon dansen, kelly olsen - Freeform, mentioned - Freeform, nianal, nonbinaryalex, soft dansen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:20:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26361808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serenesapphic/pseuds/serenesapphic
Summary: alex considers the concept of being non-binary, and kelly helps them every step of the way.
Relationships: Alex Danvers/Kelly Olsen, dansen
Comments: 8
Kudos: 85





	gravity don’t hold my heart like you do

**Author's Note:**

> hi! this is my first dansen fic but i really do adore these two. i saw a tweet a little bit ago about alex being non-binary and it REALLY stuck with me. so much so that i started writing this that day and have been working on it since. i love love love this concept and this one-shot is super close to my heart. as a non-binary lesbian, i wrote a lot of this story based on my experience. by no means am i saying this is universal, it’s just how i imagined it would go for alex. i really hope you guys enjoy! you can reach me on twitter @/annasrae . thanks for reading!

“Alex?” Kelly calls out into the apartment as soon as she enters, a habit she’d picked up quickly after entering the chaos that is being associated with the Danvers family.

“Over here,” she responds from her place on their bed. 

Alex sits slightly hunched over in a zipped up grey hoodie and matching sweats. She stares intensely at a computer screen with furrowed eyebrows, her thumb pressing against her bottom lip in the way it only does when she’s deep in thought. She doesn’t look up.

“Sorry I’m late. I got caught up…” Still no physical response. “at work- Alex?”

“Mm?” Her eyebrows raise this time but her eyes remain trained.

“Hi.” She tries a different greeting in hopes her girlfriend will respond to it properly. Thankfully, it works.

Alex looks up at her, finally.

“Hi,” she says softly, “I’m sorry I got, uh, distracted there.” She gets up from where she sits, notably not closing the computer lid, and meets Kelly where she stands near the door.

She pecks her on the lips. “How was your day?”

Kelly squints but answers. 

“Productive. My team and I made good headway on the project we’re working on. Not quite where I want to be, but closer than yesterday.”

“I’m glad. And I know how you get when you’re focused, so I’m assuming you forgot to eat?” Alex asks, trying to avoid using an accusatory tone.

“Maybe.” But the redhead is already moving to the refrigerator where she pulls out two cartons of Chinese food. After pouring each onto a plate she grabs from the cabinet, she puts Kelly’s into the microwave. 

When she turns back around Kelly has finally stripped her coat and shoes. She’s sitting at the table scrolling through what Alex assumes are work emails. Alex looks at her silently, contemplating how, if at all, she’s going to broach the subject that had been on her mind for longer than she’d like to admit.

“Did you not eat?” the shorter woman asks as she looks up and notes the two plates pulled out.

“Of course not,” she responds nonchalantly.

“Alex, we’ve talked about this.” The sternness intended for the statement is lost in slight concern.

“Yes, and in that conversation I explained that I refuse to eat dinner by myself. Not when you spend nearly every night here, it doesn’t make sense.”

“It does make sense when I work late and you need to eat at a reasonable hour.” She rises from the table and walks to her as she speaks.

“I see but have you considered,” Alex reaches out for her hands as soon as she is finally in reach, “that I don’t want to.”

Kelly can’t fight the grin that plays on her lips when they link hands. She’d missed her girlfriend’s touch, her warmth, more than she’d realized. 

“What am I gonna do with you, Alex Danvers?” she asks lightly and moves even closer.

“Get home earlier next time and we can find out,” Alex responds with a smirk as she closes the gap between them. She releases Kelly’s hands to wrap her own around her waist, meshing them together. The kiss is one of comfort, of safety, and Alex finds herself thinking that this just may be her favorite place in the entire world. So close to Kelly that she can inhale the scent of coconut and vanilla and a perfume too wealthy for her to name. Feeling intoxicated, she pulls away and leans their foreheads together.

“I missed you today.” She’d only gotten home a few hours earlier, but they were spent drowning in thoughts she didn’t completely understand. Having someone to talk to, having Kelly to talk to, would likely have made her research much less nerve wracking.

“I missed you too.” The heavy feeling behind the simple words is not lost on Kelly, but once again, she doesn’t acknowledge it.

The microwave beeps then, and Alex hands over the plate with a smile.

“Bon appetit.”

Kelly laughs. “Thanks, babe.”

The two of them sit down next to each other minutes later, eating in a comfortable, tired silence as they often did after a long day. But that one thought nags Alex so badly she can no longer bear hearing it blaring inside her brain.

“Tell me more about the project you guys are working on?” she asks kindly.

Kelly smiles brightly, always excited to discuss her work when prompted.

“Well, you remember that idea I had last month? To incorporate virtual therapy into Obsidian Platinum? That way anyone who can’t physically make it to a building for any reason, can still receive the same services as someone who can.”

Alex nods in response to the question, not that it makes a difference.

“Well obviously that would come with an insane increase in price, just the cost of the mass production of new resources alone makes the concept almost impractical.”

“Obviously.”

“So, I, well we, have been trying to figure out a way to offset the price so it can be more accessible, you know? It defeats the purpose of adding a new feature if only a minority of people can use it. And tonight!” She points downward excitedly, indicating that it had been that day. “Tonight, one of the absolute  _ geniuses _ on my team created a software to replace the one we planned on buying to make the program functional.”

“That’s amazing!”

“That’s what I said! And of course it’s brand new so there’s a million kinks to work out of it not to mention getting it officially approved...but it’s a huge step forward. I’m really excited about where it’s going to go from here.”

“I’m really happy for you Kelly, I know how passionate you are about this idea.” Alex grabs her hand over the table.

“Thank you. I really am. And now that we’re working with our own material we can…” The brunette continues on her energetic tangent for the duration of dinner and as they both get ready for bed. If she’s being entirely honest, Alex only understands about 60% of what she hears, and the percentage is only that high because of how many similar conversations they’ve had in the past. With that said, Kelly receives her full and undivided attention the entire time. Even if she can’t comprehend every word, the message always comes through in the wideness of Kelly’s smile, the gesticulation of her excited hands, the unbelievably enthusiastic tone of her voice. Kelly loves her work, and so Alex does too.

When they do settle into bed together, teeth brushed and nightclothes on, she reaches the end of her explanation. 

“So I’m probably gonna go in early tomorrow,” she finishes as she gets under the covers, her navy silk nightgown sliding softly against the sheets. 

“Sounds good.” Alex does the same and instinctively moves close to Kelly, shifting until soft black hair is tucked underneath her chin and her arm wraps around her smooth back. She exhales. 

The next few minutes are spent working up nerve. Dispelling irrational thoughts and controlling her breath are Alex’s only focuses. This conversation has to happen, at least she thinks it does. And she can’t think of anyone who would handle this better than the girl laying in her arms. 

“I need to tell you something.’

Before she can respond, she speaks again.

“Or ask you about something? I guess ‘talk to you’ probably works best considering I don’t know anything for sure so it’s not like I’m telling you something but it’s not a specific question so I’m not really asking.. So-”

“I know.” Kelly cuts her off.

“You know?”

“Yes, I know. For one, your heart has been racing from the moment we laid down. You’ve been speaking with way more emotion behind your words than usual, which is saying a lot for you. And you barely ate. Not to mention you didn’t text and ask if was okay, which you almost always do if I’m running late. Unless you have something on your mind.” At Alex’s silence, she stops.

“What did we say about reading me?” she asks lightly.

Kelly takes a moment. “Only in emergency situations….sorry.”

“Apology accepted.” Alex rubs her thumb along Kelly’s side, leaning her head against the headboard.

“So?” she urges.

“So...I’ve been thinking.”

Kelly lets the silence stretch. 

“About, um, gender?”

“Gender?” She isn’t sure what she’d been expecting, but it wasn’t that.

“Yes.”

Another pause. Alex feels the blood rushing in her ears at the words she’s about to speak. All of her senses go into overdrive as her breathing picks up.

Kelly, both hearing and feeling the increase in heart rate, sits up so she can face her.

“Take your time. Everything is okay. I promise.” She stares deeply into moonlit hazel eyes.

Alex nods and takes another deep breath.

“Have you ever heard the term non-binary?”

“I think so. It’s when..you’re not male or female, right?” She tries to choose her words wisely.

“Well, kind of.” Alex sits upright, her mind shifting into explanation mode. “I’ve been researching it all day, and it’s so much more than that. Basically, from what I found, it’s any gender, or lack of gender, that exists outside of being completely male or completely female. Meaning you could be any mixture of both, or neither, or something different. And there’s definitely a lot more for me to learn...but yeah. That’s the gist of what I know so far.”

“Got it. What made you look into that?” 

“Oh, well I was talking to Nia today, and she was telling me this hilarious story about one of her friends. And the whole time she was using ‘they’ as like, the pronoun. So naturally I thought she was talking about a group of people. But then she finished the story and had still only mentioned one person. I asked her why, and she brought up this non-binary thing that I had literally never heard of. And I don’t know, Kelly, I was listening to her tell me about how it took her friend years to realize they weren’t who they thought they were, and it really hit me for some reason? Like they had always been kinda uncomfortable with masculine pronouns, but didn’t know why. And just like me they found out being non-binary was a thing and just like that, they knew. Nia said that it’s not like that for everyone, though. That sometimes it takes time to wrap our heads around the concept. So if I’m making absolutely no sense to you please let me know.”

At this, Alex holds her breath. The pause between the end of her explanation and Kelly’s response seems to last for an eternity. All kinds of fears float through her mind. That Kelly would think she’s insane, that she wouldn’t believe her, that she’d dismiss her, or worse.

“I think that’s amazing.”

Her eyes go wide. “You do?”

Kelly turns so she can face Alex completely, mirroring her cross legged position on the bed. She places her hands gently on her thighs.

“Of course I do. I think it’s wonderful that the world is finally acknowledging the communities they’ve silenced, you know? So many people get a chance to be themselves for the first time. They’re able to breathe. I just hate that it’s taken so long, and that we have so far to go. But babe even outside of all that, I see the way your eyes shine when you talk about this. It’s clearly very important to you. Maybe even personal?”

“I...think so.”

“Yeah?” She allows her hands to run up and down Alex’s thigh in an attempt to calm her. 

“Yeah.” Alex restores their eye contact for the first time in a while, and warm brown eyes are waiting. She grins with the confidence they give her. “I think I fall in that category.” 

“Okay! Do you maybe know where?”

At the furrow of Alex’s eyebrows, she backtracks.

“It’s completely okay if not. I’m sure this is a process. I don’t mean to rush you.”

“I don’t see myself as male at all,” Alex starts. Kelly nods. “And when it comes to being female, I don’t...not feel like a woman?” She scoffs at herself. “I sound ridiculous.” 

“You do not! Don’t tell yourself that.” Kelly nearly yells before lowering her voice again. “This is not an easy thing to figure out, and I doubt it usually happens overnight. Now I’m here to talk everything through with you, but if you want to call it a night that works for me too.”

“Can we talk about it a little bit more?” Her voice is small and almost pleading.

“Absolutely.” Kelly replies with certainty. “So, when it comes to pronouns…”

Alex raises her eyebrows, refusing to make an assumption towards the end of the question.

“You’re uncomfortable when people use feminine ones to refer to you?” The shift into her therapist mindset is nearly unnoticeable.

A moment passes as Alex ponders this. The posing of the question confuses her, as it almost sounds rhetorical.

“Isn’t everyone?”

“What?” Kelly asks incredulously. “No.”

“No?” Alex responds, matching her girlfriend’s shock.

“Alex honey no, a lot of people are comfortable with the pronouns people use for them. Everyone should be.”

The redhead’s face scrunches with confusion. 

“No, I don’t think that’s true.”

Kelly sighs and tries to think of another approach. 

“Why do you go by Alex?”

“Because Alexandra is a gross name,” she replies simply.

Kelly lets out a light laugh. “Is it, though?” Alex shakes her head softly, not understanding. “If you met someone else named Alexandra, would you think their name is ‘gross’?”

“...I guess not.”

“So you don’t like the way it sounds when people use it for you? But not necessarily in general.”

“Sure.”

She takes this as the first step to a breakthrough and pushes forward.

“I think that, maybe, it’s a similar situation with your pronouns?” She pauses, taking time to choose her words wisely. “Is the feeling you get when someone calls you by your full name similar to how it feels when someone uses feminine pronouns for you?”

For what feels like the millionth time, Alex takes a second to think about the words she’s hearing. This whole concept feels so new, so unknown, and honestly, terrifying. In truth, if there had been a way to dispel the petulant thought of figuring out the vast concept of gender from her mind, she would have done it seconds after the conversation with Nia. It’s not that she doesn’t want to know, because at the moment there’s nothing she’d like to understand more. But it all feels so overwhelming, so loose and uncertain. Alex likes to function in concrete ideals, anything outside of that feels messy. Messy leaves room for mistakes. And yet, it had nagged at her the entire day. A door opened in her head that she can’t close on her own. So she fights the urge to shut all emotions down and lie in bed in silence. With a thoughtful sigh, she refocuses on the question. Never had she been more grateful to be dating the most patient person she’d ever met. 

Alex thinks about the all too common occurrence of feminine pronouns being used for her. The feeling she gets is familiar, disconcerting and slightly nauseating. Despite it being something she’s completely accustomed to, that near-ache in her chest at being called something she’s not is unmistakable. Then, she recalls the (thankfully) less common occurrence of being called Alexandra. The chill running down her spine is so reminiscent of her previous thought it’s jarring. The emotion, the discomfort, is almost identical. 

“It’s the same,” she blurts, “I mean it’s worse with my name because no one ever uses it but at its core it’s the same.”

The light returning to Alex’s eyes, sorting through the confusion and concern there, makes Kelly smile widely. 

“Okay! Okay. That makes complete sense, Alex.”

“It does?”

“Yes. I think…Did you want to try to use gender neutral pronouns? Like they/them?”

Alex nods slowly. 

Kelly waits for hazel eyes to meet her own and swallows before saying with all the clarity she can muster, “I love them with all of my heart.”

When tears fill their eyes, she hopes she’s done the right thing. 

A sense of euphoria flows through Alex Danvers like never before. Hearing that word, that one word, used in reference to them seems to spin their entire world around. Their heart quite literally leaps in their chest. It’s like a taste of something so indescribably desirable that they can guarantee right now that they’ll never tire of it. Is this what everyone else feels? Is this the norm? Alex is astonished by the relief that overwhelms them at the sound of the words. The combination of the pronoun and the entire statement opens floodgates in their eyes.

“I love you too,” they reply through sniffs.

Kelly doesn’t hesitate to wipe the few falling tears. She leaves her hands on Alex’s cheek.

“Is this a good cry?” she asks hesitantly.

“This is an incredibly good cry.” Alex laughs through tears. “That’s it. That’s...can you use that all the time? For me? Please?”

“Of course I will.” The warmth of Kelly’s smile makes Alex’s heart grow once more. 


End file.
